SIMCOE’S CHRISTMAS BALL FOR 2017
The New Year is just around the corner, and as in previous years that means only one thing. Hushed tones as we leave a handful of sacred dog treats at the mouth of a hidden cave and await for our four-pawed soothsayer to emerge. As a scratching noise emanates from the den, it is very soon followed by Simcoe himself – and as ever our oracle is rolling underpaw something very special indeed. His crystal ball has survived unscathed and is ready to be peered into!
So as he dutifully licks it clean, what mysteries are revealed inside for BrewDog in 2017?
The first thing Simcoe sees is more like looking in a mirror than a crystal ball. It’s himself, grey of muzzle and advanced in years. But behind there are fireworks, tickertape and the popping of (very) special beer corks. He knows that BrewDog turn ten in 2017, which is around 60 in dog years. Simcoe can’t imagine being sixty any more than he can chasing a stick to the moon – so this must be one heck of a party. But what’s that people are drinking in the background? Pun… [image fades]
A clock face is the next thing that Simcoe sees shimmering into view, only with the hands whirring so quickly they have become a blur. The only times he knows are feeding time and walkies, so the clock leaves his canine cranium furrowed. Could it be related to Born to Die? Simcoe knows it’s always described as being ‘on the clock’ but whenever he gets on something he shouldn’t he gets shouted at. This one will require further explanation, he feels…
As a soothsaying pup, Simcoe is a pooch of some prowess – but one thing he has never turned a paw to is home improvement. The idea of adding an extension to his kennel may be appealing, but knocking it together himself is another totally alien concept. So why is there a picture of him in a hard hat? Could it be related to this DIY Dog thing he kept hearing about over the course of the year? Or other building projects? And why would you give away a dog? Hmm.
He’s never had a mobile phone of his own, but Simcoe has certainly chewed a few over the years. So the next thing that appears in the viewfinder is familiar, and yet makes no sense to him. It seems to be somebody hunched over their smartphone looking at something new. It’s a website, but also not a website. That makes Simcoe’s head spin, and he backs away whilst wondering how a phone can be smart if it hasn’t been to obedience training. It’s not like it can roll over or anything.
Simcoe loves cans – they stop dog food from getting light struck – so when he sees a flashing canning line as the next premonition he barks with excitement. Yet it’s not Game & Liver going into these metal receptacles. So what is it? Well, just like his favoured flavour the contents of these containers is also dark. In fact, it is as black as the heart of that Bichon Frise that chased him the other day. But there’s something extra in there as well. A gas, maybe?
Have Beer Will Travel
Just as Simcoe’s guard is being let down about the lack of an annual geography quiz, his crystal ball flashes up 3…2…1… and a rapid-fire picture round arrives. He knows what this means. Heading off groaning to hunt for his canine atlas means Simcoe misses pictures of a beefeater, someone in a flat-bottomed boat, a field of tulips, a black pool of water, a yellow reliant robin and then the Eiffel tower! If only he knew where that Atlas was. Oh well.
But before he finds it the crystal ball blinks and shuts off, reverting to a simple glass orb with powers curtailed for another twelve months. No need to find his maps after all. With nothing else to be done he gently nudges the ball back into his den, before wandering slowly to his bed made of colourful pieces of shredded paper depicting parts of the world. But what will come of these predictions?
Only time…will tell…