BrewDog Launch FAKE Lager
BrewDog finally go mainstream
We are delighted to announce the launch of Fake Lager.
Fake is the new black. Fake is where it is at. Fake Art, fake brands, fake breasts, and fake lager.
We want to play our part in the ugly fallout from the Lager Dream. Say hello to Fake Lager – a 21st century faux masterpiece.
The beer also marks a change in direction for BrewDog. Having studied the beer market closely over the last few years we have decided to abandon our principles and everything we believe in and give the market what it wants: lowest common denominator beer.
If you want to define yourself with tasteless, whoring mediocrity, then this new beer is for you. We are going to join forces with the mass market beer conglomerates. They will be our brothers in arms, as we seek to help them destroy the very essence of beer.
Stunning features of Fake Lager:
- Brewed with Rice, Corn and Glucose Syrups. Hey, they are much cheaper than malt you know.
- No Hops at all. They are expensive and have flavour. Leaving them out saves everyone time and money.
- Brewed at 10% ABV then diluted back to 4.7% with water just before packaging making it incredibly cheap to produce. Win.
- We add fish-guts, loads of chemicals and other really scary stuff. Not sure why. Just seems to be the done thing with industrial lagers.
- It only takes 3 days from brewing to shipping. Punk IPA takes 30 – what a waste of time!
- Almost no flavour at all. Hints of cardboard, snake oil and corroding metals.
- Quadruple filtered and pasteurised to the point it no longer has any discernible soul.
- Actively promotes binge drinking because we are going to sell it super cheap.
- Backed with a huge advertising campaign to try and trick people into thinking it is actually good. People are stupid, they will definitely believe us.
- Good men, blissful in their ignorance, will soak up it up like vermin.
Fake Lager launches in all BrewDog Bars on Saturday 6th April. Leave your morals, principles and taste-buds at the door.
Some of our team are a bit sad about this. They even made signs. They will get over it when they see how much money it makes us. If you are going to be a sell-out, you might as well do it on a grandiose scale.